Alone versus Lonely
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and while it’s not directly weight-loss related I’m going to blog about it nonetheless!
I can count on one hand the number of serious relationships I’ve been in (which is probably sad given that I am 30). I don’t find it easy to trust and I usually fall for the wrong people. That said, I am proud to say I’ve never been someone who HAD to be in a relationship to be complete. I had friends in high school/college who just went from guy to guy and never took time to know themselves. I was the opposite. I was never boy crazy – I never had pressure from my family to “settle down”. It’s interesting to me when my friends parents were obsessing over prom dates and “love” – my parents were focused on my academic accomplishments and my passions (journalism, music shows etc). They never pushed me to date or “find someone” (and I love them for that!). Even at 30 I have never once gotten the “You need to settle down” speech. They love that I have a job I’m happy with and I respect myself. I’m sure deep down they hope I find someone and have kids, but I know if I didn’t – they would love me just the same.
As I continue to lose weight I’m noticing changes in other areas besides just my physical appearance. I’m stronger (mentally), I’m walking with my head up (in shoes that have a slight heel – first time in 3 years!), I want more from life. I don’t want to settle for being the “fat chick with a nice career”. I want love. I want someone who I am head over heels for (and vice versa!) and ya know what? I totally deserve it. I kickass!
I am single but I’m not lonely or sad or pathetic. I love myself (truly!). I used to say I did….but I would always add “but” or “except for”. Nope, now I love myself 100%. I rule! I can’t believe how much my attitude about myself has changed. I feel like a better version of myself. Upgraded!
(I’m laughing as I type this….if you’ve just stumbled upon my blog you probably think I’m an asshole. I assure you, I’m not. Stick around – read some old posts – see the growth happen as the blog progressed! It’s really rad!)
Julianna has been playing some kickass songs in class lately – one of which has really resonated with me. I’m totally not hip – so I had to Shazam it. (love that app!)
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone.
Ha! YES! I am alone, but I’m not lonely. Those terms are not mutually exclusive. I don’t feel “incomplete” or “broken”. I feel awesome actually. I feel like I had to step outside of my comfort zone and see the pieces of me that needed work in order to get here. I wasn’t just fat- I was carrying baggage. Granted, everyone has baggage – but sometimes it’s not worth hanging onto any longer. The clothes I wore at 425 pounds don’t fit me. The attitudes I had about myself and others don’t fit me either. I’ve changed. Evolved. Grown emotionally.
Have you see “Up in the Air“? If not – Netflix it, great movie. George Clooney is a corporate down-sizer (and public speaker on the side). In one of his speeches he gives this monologue:
How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.
Now, I don’t agree with that per se – I just said I believe in love and monogamy and happily ever after – but the concept of the baggage you carry is really interesting to me. What’s in your backpack/purse/murse? (murse = man purse). Are you hanging on to shit you need to let go (figuratively AND literally!)….I carry way too much stuff in my purse, it makes my shoulder ache! Let it go. Throw out your old clothes, keep your old love letters – but keep them in perspective. Your past doesn’t have to define you.
I’ve used this quote a million times – but it really applies to so much of my life:
“But it’s no use going back to yesterday ~ I was a different person then” (Alice in Wonderland).
I was a different person a month ago, a year ago, 5 years ago. I wanted different things. I felt I wasn’t worthy of love/fabulousness. I felt I was going to have to settle for “average” when I deserve exceptional – simply because of my size.
I just took a quick look at my “past, present, future letters” – I love how smart I am sometimes. Haha. “Try new things, stop feeling bad about relationships that ended. People come in and out of your life for a reason ~ even if you can’t see that reason at the time!” YUP.
I’ve made peace with the past, I’ve let go of a lot of emotional baggage and now I’m ready to move forward.
P.S. – Dear Michael Vartan, you can come find me now. Samantha Vartan has a lovely ring to it, dontcha think?
P.P.S – Just in case you live under a rock and have not seen my celebrity crush before: