Sparkly & Slimming….a Weight Loss Blog

Samantha's journey to slim down, while remaining sparkly!

You Might Not Pass By This Way Again….*


Last October my favorite aunt passed away after a long battle with bladder cancer. She wanted to be cremated and opted not to have a service so I wanted to honor her with a post here. I had this half-written and decided to hold off (you’ll see why by the end). :)

Roma began dating my uncle when I was 3 or 4. My uncle Warren is my dad’s older brother who drove truck for a living until retiring a few years ago (not by choice, he loved roaring down the road!). He settled in Michigan shortly after meeting her. She was feisty and fabulous with curly red hair and a sweet southern drawl. I loved her. She and my uncle visited several times when I was little. In first grade she taught me how to multiply (way before my classmates, I felt so smart!). In high school my family drove out to Michigan to stay with her and my uncle. It then became a summer tradition and one of my favorite memories. Roma could take a joke (like the time we dyed her then white hair red….only to discover we used too much and it came out fire engine red!). In college my mom and I would have “girls trips” and spend a week in October with her appreciating Michigan foliage and exploring the Midwest.

My Aunty Roma and Uncle Warren

My Aunty Roma and Uncle Warren

She was always up for an adventure…like finding Eminem’s recording studio in the notorious 8 mile section of Detroit or hunting for Michigan’s best ice cream sundae at Woody’s in Royal Oak….(but we have to start from her sister-in-law’s house or else she’d get turned around). Her life mantra was “You might not pass by this way again” – which could justify anything from a quick stop at a yard sale or a radical life decision. No matter what the circumstance you could sum up your next move with “you might not pass this way again” – so why not do it?! So many times it was true. We’d take one road to go someplace and come home a totally different way – missing the cute coffee shop or some great sunset over an open field. In life I often find myself wanting to say or do something then hemming and hawing until I’ve missed my window. In 2012 I adopted this as my mantra and I had postcards made up so I could hang them everywhere as a reminder:

Pass by this way

She didn’t care for TV (except for Oprah, she just loved Oprah) but she was amazed by the career Derek and I both chose. She loved hearing crazy work stories and she loved to know how things work behind the scenes. I remember sitting with her one summer night in Michigan while we were both up too late explaining how green screens work – she was just fascinated.The last time I saw her was on a work trip in June of 2013. I convinced my sales manager at the time that we should drive from Chicago to Detroit to see my customer – and see my family. When we got there she was in the hospital and I remember being struck by the juxtaposition of her frail body and her sharp mind. She wanted to know if there was a boy in my life (there wasn’t and she was sad to hear this, LOL), how work was, how Mom/Dad/Derek were and more important what awesome things I had seen – because I might not pass this way again! I told  her about driving to get fresh peaches in Atlanta (because the peach is the epitome of Atlanta!), heading 2 hours  outside LA to find a store that sold funky recycled jewelry and the extensive collection of Starbucks mugs picked up by friends all over the globe (from Oslo to Dubai to Singapore). I was proud to say I was living our shared mantra!

I’m a huge fan of self-improvement and I shared with her the book I had just finished, “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I decided to make my list of my personal commandments; it had to make the list. :)  She loved it and we shared a laugh about how hard it can be to let things go.

2013-07-10 00.31.47

Since there wasn’t a funeral or wake my family mourned in our own way – releasing balloons the day she passed and on her birthday and taking time to appreciate the little things (like perfect sunsets and car rides with great sing-a-long playlists). We talk about her often and laugh – because so many Aunty stories end in hilarity.

A few months ago Derek decided he was ready for his first tattoo – after some back and forth…I decided to take the plunge and join him. I’ve always been a fan of tattoos but super indecisive when it came to actually permanently adorning my body with one. I spit-balled some ideas with my friend and personal Photoshopper, Tyler. He took my disjointed ideas and created this amazing piece:

tattoo

I was in love. We scheduled our appointment with Jaesun, an artist our friend G uses and on August 22nd I came home with this on the back of my right shoulder:

 

lightened

Perfect. Just perfect!

On our drive home from getting tattooed I found myself especially weepy – somehow it felt so real that she was gone and I couldn’t call and tell her about the art or about this boy I met and fell for (but still haven’t confessed my feelings for, LOL)… Through my tears I noticed “Roma Bakery” on our left – which made me smile – then a giant sign advertising “Berry Smoothies!” on my right. I took that as a little sign that she could see us and appreciated the tribute! <3

Rest in peace Roma “Aunty” Berry (November 18 yearshallnotbementioned ~ October 26, 2013), I hope  you’re doing all your favorite things (putzing in the garden, eating dessert for dinner, taking long rides and stopping at every bend to explore!). Oh and your age will always be your secret with Mom! ;)

stars

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Food for Thought….


I think I’ve used this blog post title before….but it was just so dang good I had to use it again!

I made some promises in my last post and I am happy to say I have stuck to at least one of them. Oatmeal, I love you! This gem is my newest food obsession and the best breakfast everrrrrrrr!

$2.50 for a box of 5 packs and the pack of oatmeal DOUBLES as a container for water. Open packet (my most favorite is dark chocolate), dump into bowl, add water,  microwave for 2 mins – stir in 1 TBS of cookie butter and enjoy! Mmmm cookie butter. Who knew oatmeal was the *perfect* vehicle for cookie butter?!

No idea what the heck I’m talking about? From Trader Joe’s:

or from Market Basket/Demoulas:

Truth be told I like the Biscoff better – it’s not as sweet. Either way, it’s 90 calories per tablespoon so it’s more than peanut butter but GOD it is so freaking tasty. I could (read: have in the past) eat a whole jar. It’s like crack. Cookie crack. I think it makes me crave oatmeal even more. Like right now it’s 10:30pm and I’m not hungry but man, just thinking about oatmeal tomorrow is making me salivate! #oatmealaddicted #totalfatkid  – um have I mentioned I am obsessed with hashtagging? It drives my friends batty, but I love it.

I bought a book for my Playbook on vacation purely based on title (I love doing that! Authors put a lot of effort into a catchy title, why not play reading roulette once in a while?). The title? “Nice Girls Finish Fat“.

I’ve mentioned a half-dozen times that I still don’t know what’s at the root of my emotional eating. I wasn’t abused as a child (nor as an adult), I’m not depressed, I don’t have any diseases to explain away my affliction to food…it’s always been a mystery. Well, this book is helping me figure it out for sure.

Am I always nice? God no. But, I am obsessed with what other people think of me. Legit, obsessed! I spend probably half my day worrying about it. I go to bed reviewing my day in a detailed, neurotic way, literally affecting my sleep! I obsess over my emails, my conversations, my interactions…..it’s exhausting. I’m also someone who HATES when people don’t like me. I just hate it. If someone (especially at work) doesn’t jive with my sassy-ness/sarcasm I will make myself crazy trying to find a way to change myself to suit them. No lie. I didn’t used to be like this…I can’t pinpoint EXACTLY when it changed but I know it coincides with being at my heaviest weight. Suddenly I had to overcompensate for my weight by bending my personality to mesh with others. The sad thing is in doing that, I lost part of myself. I stopped being as sassy as I once was. As my mom says, I lost my chutzpah! How did I fill the gap? Oh with food of course!

From the cover: Many women put too much on their plates, both literally and figuratively. In Nice Girls Finish Fat, psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig explains the link between the two and gives overweight women detailed advice on how to lose their extra baggage—both emotional and physical—by becoming more assertive in every aspect of life. For the millions of overweight women in America, diet and exercise just aren’t cutting it. That’s because many of these women have emotional issues buried deep beneath those stubborn pounds, issues that must be dealt with first if weight loss plans are to succeed. In this illuminating book, based on decades of professional experience, Karen Koenig offers on-the-page psychotherapy to help readers attack the roots of their food problems. With her engaging personal style, she teaches women about the biological connections between repressed emotions and eating, revealing the ways many women use food to stuff their anger, control their aggression, and assuage their feelings of guilt—all in the pursuit of being “nice.” Giving “good girls” permission to love themselves first, Koenig offers thought-provoking quizzes and questions to help readers identify and overcome the habits that have been holding them back. Empowering readers to gain the confidence they need to lose weight, Nice Girls Finish Fat not only shows women how to stop obsessing about food and develop healthy eating habits, it teaches readers skills to improve every aspect of their lives.

I once joked with my brother that I was a true emotional eater. Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat more. Mad? Eat. Nervous? Eat. Food is a universal, food is the constant, food is the fixer of all emotions. Anytime I don’t want to feel something, I feed myself instead. Something the book really focuses on is the emotions you’re feeling while eating. Understanding the connection between what you eat and how you feel is KEY – and it’s something I’ve never delved into….probably for fear of what I’d find. This morning was easy – I was excited for oatmeal. LOL. I think I will always be a “fat kid” at heart, I love food! I didn’t snack in between breakfast and lunch (too busy), lunch was anti-climatic. Soup + an unplanned concall with a super chatty client. Then dread set in. My 3pm call is with someone who just makes me uneasy. I can’t explain it but I’m always on edge before we speak (thankfully it’s not often and I am 99.9% sure he does not read this blog, LOL). Suddenly I was rummaging through my snack draw. I needed comfort. I needed buffalo pretzels. No wait, I need trail mix. Scratch that – peanut butter and plantain chips. TIME OUT! I don’t need to eat, I need to get some fresh air, collect my wits and put my big girl pants on! Why the hell am I letting one stupid concall fluster me to the point of mindlessly eating?!!? Stupid! But, I’m glad I paused to reflect on the emotions before eating. Baby steps. :)

So, I quasi-own my call. Well, I stood up for myself, I didn’t stammer or talk like the MicroMachineMan (both signs of my nerves) and most importantly, I did not put a single thing in my mouth! YES!

TWSS? Ha.

Another great point in the book focuses on why we feel compelled to always be “nice”. Is that an adjective we use to describe ourselves? Do we go above and beyond to the detriment of our own health? Reading this section struck such a chord. I am so focused on being a “sweetheart” at work that I have actually stood back and let other people get promoted instead of me. No lie. I have sold myself short to make sure someone else shined. Who the hell does that?! Someone desperately trying to keep the title “sweetheart” at any cost. I should be sweet because I want to – or because the person is nice to me in return. I shouldn’t do nice things that in turn drive me crazy or lead me to emotional eating. Oh and I should never put myself second. If I don’t make myself a priority why should anyone else?? Other amazing self-care tips highlighted in the book are mentioned in this article. We’re all guilty of not doing a few of these!

How perfect is this? I need to print it, put it on my nightstand and my desk and in my phone. #preach

Let’s be frank – If I want to conquer this shit once and for all – I need to find my backbone and keep it intact! I can’t wait to finish the book because I’m so excited about everything I’ve learned. I know it’s something I will read and reread a bunch of times in the coming months. If you’re struggling with being too nice – or with not being yourself, I highly recommend it. As always, no one endorses me to share my 2 cents with you, I do it simply because I love talking. ;)

Now my last gem of the day is the best – this is so true and something I really, really need to OWN!

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Finding Peace.


A few posts ago I vowed do less blogging, less twittering (I know it’s tweeting, I think twittering sounds funnier), less Facebook-ing . Overall just unplug and LIVE when possible to try to balance this crazy life of  mine. Well I failed, miserably. One of my biggest problems is clearing my mind before bed. I am awful once my head hits that pillow. I run through my budget, my calendar, my to do list…I replay arguments or conversations in my head, realizing all the points when I could have been more clever or smarter or more eloquent. My mind flips from topic to topic so fast it would make your head swivel! Then my insomnia leads to getting on my phone and tweeting, Facebooking, playing stupid word games (Scramble has officially consumed at least 13 of my sleepless hours in the past few weeks). Next thing I know I’m exhausted, grouchy and on the brink of a short-circuit from technology overload.

Then I saw this and it struck a chord (thanks Jo!).

Disconnect to reconnect. YES!

So this weekend I vow to disconnect. Shut my laptop down, turn my Blackberry off and LIVE instead of talking about living.

Along the same things I have been thinking a lot about peace. Tanya taught me to eat for peace. Her example is “Chocolate cake for a special occasion is fine, chocolate cake every day leads to disliking who you are”. It’s true! Eat something because you want it, you crave it and enjoy every bite of it – once in a while. Don’t eat to mask emotions, don’t eat because you’re bored – eat for peace.

I feel like in society we put so much pressure on ourselves to constantly be in motion. Work towards goals. Do more. Try harder. Be better. Multi-task.

In my own life I am constantly nit-picking myself. Why did I eat that? (even if that is a granola bar versus fruit), why did I take on so much at work that I am now drowning in projects and missing out on having a life?, why haven’t I reached my goal weight yet?, what’s wrong with me?, why am I still single?, is there even someone out there for me?, will I always be the “fabulous, single friend”? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I am not at peace. I am literally in the midst of a battle zone that wages on inside my head. It’s tiring.

Honestly! It’s exhausting. Sometimes you just need to step back, chill out and say “f it!”. Embrace Peace.

So what exactly *is* peace? Mmm I think this sums it up:

Now I need to practice that!

Happy weekend!

Enjoy it. Get fresh air. Relish in quiet time. Turn off your phone. Bake brownies. Take naps. Do all of the above!

 

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Post Vaca Recap


Good Morning!

Man, it feels like I haven’t blogged in a month….but it’s only been a week and a half! Vacation was great. I love NorCal. Wonderful weather – wonderful people. We had a FANTASTIC time at Tribal Fest. Every day was either workshops, an outing with friends or performances. Truly a great week. We had some non-bellydance fun too – hunting for Peanuts! Santa Rosa (where we were staying) was the home of Charles Schultz and as a tribute to his life’s work a bunch of Peanuts statues were made and placed all over the city. We made it a goal to find 5 and ended up finding 10!I think there’s 80 or so all together, crazy!

Here’s my favorite, “Rainbow Joe”:

Rainbow Joe!

Besides Peanuts, another highlight of my trip was performing at the show. I haven’t watched my DVD yet (nerves) but once I do, I’ll upload it to YouTube and post it here. I was proud of myself when I got off stage – I did the best I could d0 at that moment in time, which is all that matters in the end.

The workshops I took were mostly dance related (drills, new dance combos etc) but we did take one non-dance lecture and I can honestly say it has changed the way I think of myself. The workshop was called Static and was to help you (the dancer, the artist) cut through all the noise (internal and external) in order to  create art. However, I applied the same principles to my life (and my weight-loss) and I realized where I’ve faltered and how I can get myself in a groove that will foster success. I can’t say enough good things about Amy Sigil or the workshop; it was just amazing.

Ok ok, enough bellydance/Peanut chat. You want to hear how I did eating and exercising right? Fiiiiiiiine. ;)

Eating: overall good. I did have a few glasses of wine and a margarita throughout the course of the trip, but I planned on drinking on vacation so it wasn’t unexpected. I snacked a lot, but Rach and I made sure to stock our hotel with healthy snacks (Kind bars, hummus, bananas). I drank a TON of water (sweating your ass off in class makes you THIRSTY!) and I had minimal coffee.

Exercise: I did not go to the gym once – sad I know. I really had all intentions of going, but I would be so tired from classes that by the time we got back to the hotel all I wanted to do was float in the hot tub, or take a bubble bath – or both! I did get a lot of good cardio in – especially during Zoe Jakes Intensive! She is an amazing dancer, and her class was TOUGH! I was happy that my stamina was better than last year, I could feel an improvement in my body’s ability to keep up with class.  By next year I will see an even bigger difference I’m sure!

Weight: I haven’t weighed in yet – but I will on Friday. I suspect I stayed the same. I think the amount of exercise I got will cancel out the “cheats” and I will be at 310. We’ll see!

Looking ahead to June, I am going to try something different. I am weighing in this Friday – then not again for 4 weeks. But, I am going to take measurements every Friday. The numbers can fluctuate all they want, the tape measure rarely lies. I also want to focus on getting out of my head, and into the gym as much as possible (or outside for some cardio!). Spring has finally arrived on scene here in Boston, and I want to take advantage of it. :)

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Centième!


(sorry it took me a WEEK between posts! Eeep!)

I can’t believe it! This is my 100th blog post! Holy mackerel!! I have a love for the French language (someday I will learn to speak it!) so I have my good friend Christine tell me how to say 100! Thanks Chris! ;)

I thought about a bunch of different things I could do to celebrate my posting milestone and I decided on posting some pictures, thanking you all and looking back at my favorite entries to date.  I’ve been writing a lot, and not all of it will end up here (after all I need fresh material for the book!) but I will include some good stories in the next few posts. ;)

So here are some pictures – I added some blonde to my hair. Of course now I’m growing my bangs out…so my hair is always clipped back. :)

Oh and here’s one of my dancing thanks to the fabulous Peter Paradise!

I don’t have a single full body shot I like. I’ll work on that this weekend, because I can definitely see changes in myself!

Now a good quote, and a look back at my blog.

Thank you Edenia for blogging this!

Here are my top 5 favorite entries, in no particular order:

1. Love My Hips, Hate My Belly

2. Stupid People and “Such a Pretty Face”!

3. Past, Present, Future Letters….

4. Love Your Body (even if it’s just for today)

5.  10 Goals by 30 (although truly I think I won’t be able to do most of these before…so they will end up being before 31, but whatever!).

Oh and the thank you’s! I had no idea how cool this whole blogging thing would be when I started. I can’t believe how many friends I’ve bonded with on a new level, it’s truly amazing! So, thank you all for reading, telling me to keep going/keep up the good work and for being “in my corner” if you will. Losing weight ain’t easy, and talking about it while doing it has been interesting (and not always easy). So thank you, from the bottom of my sparkly little heart!

XO

P.S. – my new favorite quote:

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I Am Whatever I Say I Am


I’ve been on an Eminem kick lately. Love him or hate him, you can’t deny that he always says exactly what he’s thinking and even if you don’t agree you have to respect his gusto. The song I’ve been replaying in my head most is “The Way I Am“.

And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am


He’s rapping to the media, but the song got me thinking about how I talk to myself. Am I fostering an environment for success within myself? Nope. I’m outwardly bubbly and positive…but on the inside I’m always doubting myself.

“Can I REALLY do that? Can I really reach my goal weight?? I mean, doesn’t everyone just think I’m always going to be fat? What if I get there (wherever I’m going) and I’m the biggest person in the room or I don’t fit in? I can’t go….I should just cancel”.

Sometimes I am consumed by what other people MIGHT think about me. I was lamenting about this to Rachel and she confided in me that a mutual friend was surprised to hear I consider myself a “fat chick” – because I always look so pretty and put together. That’s sweet, and surprising…but it’s hard to convince yourself to take it as the gospel.

So, this whole “I am whatever I say I am” has got me thinking….can I trick myself into overcoming my self-doubt?

If I wake up every day and say “Today you’re going to be stronger than yesterday” will it work? Or “You look pretty!” (even when I don’t think I do). I’m going to give it a shot and see if I can convince myself that I am whatever I say I am.

This weekend I was fortunate enough to buy a necklace made by my good friend Ela Rogers. I was drawn to the piece immediately because it had 2 chunks of pyrite on either side of a funky coin. (Side-note: as a child, I was a total nerd. I collected rocks and gems. My piece of pyrite was a favorite! Yes, I still have the collection. No, I’m not embarrassed…too much! ;))

When I got home and read the birth certificate for the necklace it said it would help ward off negativity! Um, perfect?! Sometimes I think you’re drawn to the things you need in life, subconsciously. I needed a reminder to stop being so hard on myself, and find the silver lining in each situation. I wore the necklace today and decided to snap a picture (thanks to Charlotte for being my photog!). Now of course, I wasn’t happy with my face in the photo (I look puffy!) but I’m going to embrace my new mantra and post it!

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“I Will Survive!”


Shimmies V was an amazing, wonderful, fabulous success…….and I am thrilled to DEATH that it’s over. Event planning is exhausting, even when it’s with a friend! I’m ready to focus on losing more weight before Vegas and my upcoming vacation to NorCal for Tribal Fest.

Standing around the show last night (after I danced – more on that later), I was overcome with a feeling of exhaustion mixed with disappointment. This time last year I resolved to be under 200 pounds by Shimmies. I weighed in before I got to the show to set up and I was at 323. I’m down 101 pounds from my heaviest on Jan 1st, 2010. So, I should be elated. But, somehow I couldn’t get past where I COULD HAVE been. Coulda, woulda, shoulda….gah! The night roared on and after all the dancing, the DJs played “I Will Survive” – and man, it made me laugh. I will survive this self-doubt and all others that come my way. I might not be perfect, but I am awesome!

So, how was my dance? Well, the bad first: my kickass, coppery gold pants are a smidge too small. I tried them on the night before and decided to forgo the stomach sucking and save the pants for a few months from now. I wore an equally cute outfit instead and 30 seconds into my “Everybody!” piece, I tore something in my right hip. My first thought? Fuuuuuuuuuck! My next thought? “The next 3 mins are going to SUCK!”. I can’t lie, I fluffed through the rest of the piece. I was in so much pain, I just hope it didn’t show on my face! Afterwards I rested with my leg up and decided heat/ice would be a necessity before bed.I did both and today I am in MUCH better shape!

But I need to figure out how to prevent this from happening every time I do a hip-drop! I think perhaps part of my problem is the amount of weight I’ve been doing on the hip adductor/abductor machines (200 pounds on each for a total of 70 reps – 35 each set). I had been upping said weight and reps steadily…but I think maybe I’m going overboard. I also need to stretch more! I am guilty of never stretching before I dance. Not a good practice!

Oh and the good part of the piece? People got it! They actually moved their hands along with me and smiled, so mission accomplished! :)

I didn’t eat dinner yesterday in the craziness – and I cheated on my Lent. I had 3 bites of cake (before giving my mom the piece I had obtained for her) and a rum + coke. I don’t regret either cheat, but I figured I should disclose both in the spirit of being honest. I have 3 more weeks of Lent and I plan on going hardcore!

I did walk my ass off all day, and man I could feel it today! My legs were like jello.

The weather in New England has gotten much more springy in the last few days, nearly all the snow has melted. Thanks to Daylight Savings it will still be light out when I get out of work, so I’m going to plan for some fast walks/slow jogs (slogs) after work. Yay!!I’m so excited to get outside and get fresh air while I exercise. Oh and I think I need to add “I Will Survive” to my gym mix, it’s a great motivational song!

 

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Overcoming Fears…


We are just 3 days away from the bellydance event of the year in New England (if you’re my FB friend you are hella sick of my posts by now, and I apologize)! Of course, I am talking about the fundraiser I co-host for the Jimmy Fund, Shimmies V. It’s a day of dancing, friends, fun, family…all around  amazingness. Of course, the week leading up to it is always INSANE. Last night Rach and I met up for dinner and to do some last-minute prep. We got to talking and she left around 11pm. I seriously considered staying up to watch “Biggest Loser” (I’m dying to see the fall-out from last week’s red team debacle!).

But, I considered the busy day I had ahead of me….and chose bed instead. (I never choose bed!).

Lying in bed thinking about the event, and the 500 things on my to-do list I was suddenly super-panicky. I plan to dance, and there are people from my “regular life” coming. (Regular life = non-dance. College friends, work friends, whatever).  What if I SUCK? What if I forget my music? What if I completely embarrass myself?!

Those panicky thoughts kept me awake for two hours! (Side note: I could have watched BL afterall….dammit!).

I don’t know why but anytime I’m worried about something, I immediately factor my weight into the equation. I’m nervous to dance, and then suddenly  I’m nervous because I’m fat. Will the audience be judging me? Will they think “Get that girl off the stage!”. GAH. It’s insane. It’s also EXHAUSTING. Thinking about the consequences of being fat should somehow allow you to burn extra calories. :)

This morning I decided I am NOT going to torture myself. I am going to dance. If I eff up, so be it. Oh, and I am going to be SUPER brave and get video that I can post to my blog (just for you Marta!). I have fabulous new Geisha Moth pants, and a hella catchy Bassnectar song picked out…I can and will own this!

For reference – fabulous pants:

Hella catchy song:

I realized that so often in my life I let my fears of what COULD happen paralyze me and I fail to “show up” for my own life.  I can’t tell you how many times I have not performed when scheduled (even at my own events!) or not gone to a party because I might be the fattest person in the room. Etc. Etc.

Fear can paralyze you – but only if you let it.

I’m leaving you with a double dose of fabulous quotage, and will happily take any other mantras you want to send my way! :)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” — Marianne Williamson

and


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Runaway Train


I did a boatload of cleaning last weekend, and came across a tupperware container of things I’ve saved to show my kids. Dorky, I know – but I love the idea of passing along things that meant the world to me at age 12/14/whatever to my children to show them who their mom used to be. In the box was every journal I’ve ever had – whew! That’s a LOTTA journals. I thumbed through one, and came across an entry that was touching.I decided to share it, since it relates so much to where I am nearly six years later. Oh and when I write in journals I tend to talk to myself – it that makes sense. I like conversational writing. Anyways, here we go:

March 5th 2005

I’ve been listening to old songs lately, and I feel like one strikes a chord inside me. “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum. I remember the video – the singer has dread locks (I hate dreads, yuck) and it was the saddest video! Missing or abducted children. How could I relate? Well, it’s not the video – it’s the lyrics.

It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray….

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here no there

I feel that way with food. I have no control. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers w/ Shar and I want it to work, I really do…..but I don’t think it can. Somehow it’s like food owns me. I have no will-power! I see something, I want it, I eat it. It’s almost unconscious! maybe I wasn’t meant to be thin? Maybe I’m just one of those people who can’t succeed at weight-loss? I mean honestly…..how many people DREAM about food?! I do. It’s pathetic! I hate that I can’t let this go. Sometimes I wonder if I’m masking something else. Stupid boy* (name changed to protect the guilty) thinks I have some kind of emotional baggage I’m covering with food. But, what does he know?! He’s 5’10 and weighs 145! I can’t figure it out. WHY do I like to eat so much?!?!?! Why can’t I be NORMAL?!?! Ack. I’m a runaway train with food. El Sigho. I wonder if I’ll look back at this someday and say “You conquered it when you were 26! Yay!

Six years later, and I am still pondering some of the same questions. I don’t know why I eat. I’ve never been abused/neglected/mistreated. I didn’t grow up without someone to love me or educate me…it’s baffling.Oh, and at 26 I had no more answers that I did at 23! Funny, you think as you get older the world will suddenly because more clear….but it doesn’t always. I have grown and changed and evolved as a person so much….and yet, I still have this crazy relationship with food.

I just finished reading “Confessions of a Carb Queen” by Susan Blech and I found myself completely unable to relate to her for 90% of the book. The author was raised by a single-dad who couldn’t show affection (her mom has a severe stroke when she was young) and she was literally addicted to food; more-so than any other depiction of obesity that I’ve ever read. She was not only morbidly obese and addicted to fast food (which you all know I cannot relate to. Give me creme brulee over happy meals ANY day!) – but she could literally eat a disgusting amount of food. I found the book hard to stomach (no pun intended) on more than one occasion.  She also self-medicated with sex and online “hook-ups”- which I think stems from more than just a food addiction and low self-esteem. I won’t give away the ending, but I will say it was not the best book I ever read and I’d give it 2 stars.I wanted to love it, but I found myself screaming: “We’re not all like this!!!!!!!!!” (fat people = we) more times than I care to recount.

One thing I did take away was that you have to examine what you ate just as much as why you ate in order to truly conquer this. Blech craved salt, I crave sweet. I can be SO GOOD….until dessert is mentioned, then I’m off my rocker and on a sweet binge. So, that is something I need to examine for sure. Oh and I liked her recipe for salsa – I love salsa! Haha.

Has anyone else read it? Did you like it? Why or why not?

P.S. –  since I can’t stop singing “Runaway Train” I thought I’d share the video. Enjoy!

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Fruit Gifts and Snowed In Gripes!


I’m officially back into working/work-out mode after an awesome extended weekend of celebrating being 29.

I arrived to work this morning (during a snowy mess of a commute – come on Mother Nature, give us a break will ya?!) and my good friend Charlotte came over with my birthday present:

Mmmmm HOMEMADE fruit basket!

She made it! How amazing is that?! Oh, and it has starfruit! Stars are kinda my thang…. ;) I was super excited to receive such a thoughtful – and healthy gift! It’s a great idea, and something I will do next time I want to thank someone (instead of making cookies).

I’m so lucky to have friends in my life who support my journey and try to find ways to help. Sidenote: did I just say “journey”? I roll my eyes when people on BL say that. Haha!

We’re snowed in again here in NE – time to get creative with workouts. I’ve got free weights, an ab DVD and a bellydance pal who is willing to do some shimmy sessions on Skype! Time to make the most of the snow and work towards Operation: Cankle Be Gone! :)

How do you guys fit workouts in when you’re stuck in the house??

 

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