My readership has grown outside my little circle of friends to include coworkers, friends of friends and maybe even a stranger or two….but I can’t be certain. With that, there are fundamental things about me that I just assume you guys know. Recently, a coworker said “What about your boyfriend? He’s supporting your weight-loss right?”.
Mmmm no, there is no boyfriend. I’m single.
In fact, I am perpetually single come to think of it. I have crushes on guys, sometimes they lead to dates…but somehow it never amounts to much. I’ve had boyfriends – but no one serious in the last few years – and it sucks. I’m such a loving, outgoing person – I always wonder “How did I end up single?!”. It boggles my mind. Not to sound arrogant, but I’m cute, I’m funny and dammit, I always sparkle! 🙂
Now, don’t get me wrong- there are times when I love being single. I’m the kind of person who does what I want – regardless of what anyone thinks. It’s nice “answering to no one” – but it’s also incredibly lonely sometimes. I have very few single friends (odd I know), so my dinner dates end up being my couple friends + me. Three can be a crowd. I talk enough to make up for my lack of a counterpart…but I’d be lying if I said it never bugged me. This is amplified in group settings. Suddenly when it’s 5 couples + me I feel much more like the “lone fat girl” than I would normally.
I discussed with with my BFF Jewels (who is also single, but lives in NYC) – and I said “I know this sounds awful….but I don’t want to date someone else who has the unhealthy relationship with food I do”. I recognize that my future boyfriend won’t be perfect – but I can’t date someone who has been (or is in) my shoes. It’s too hard. I did it once before, and it turned into a case where he obsessed over what I ate…down to the bite. That’s not the kind of love I want. No one should be asking me how many “points” I’ve eaten…or peeking at my food logs.
So, if I am seeking a mate who is healthy – is it insane of me to think he would take me in my current state? Perhaps. OK…yeah, it is.
Have I ever tried online dating? God no. I’m going to sound like a bitch – and you might disagree… but in my mind, no one who sees me online would ever want to date me. Hi, I’m 370 pounds. Yeah, that doesn’t sound good no matter how you slice it. Anyone I’ve dated in the past has been someone I knew in a friend capacity first. I feel like I have to win someone over with my sparkling personality (and sarcastic wit) before they fall for me. But sometimes, even that isn’t enough. I had someone tell me (years after we had broken up) that he could never truly love me because I was fat. Ouch. Remember when I said it’s impossible to recall every hurtful thing someone has said to you? There’s the exception. He was someone I *loved* and while it didn’t work out in the end (for the best) … no one ever, ever, ever wants to hear “I never loved you because you were fat”. In fact, it’s that logic that makes me think I should focus on myself and not my crush du jour until I am at an acceptable weight.
But….and there’s ALWAYS a but, right? I have a crush. I’m 99% sure he doesn’t read this blog, so I’m OK talking about it. If on the off chance he IS reading, well then consider me mortified! 😉
He’s someone I met at work (and remember I am not talking about my job, or mentioning the company name because of that future book deal, haha) – but suffice to say he is in another building and department entirely. He’s cute, funny and a total nerd (my fav!). I actually get little butterflies in my stomach when we talk! I know, I’m lame! We’ve emailed/talked a few times over the past few weeks….but I can’t get the balls to say “Hey wanna get lunch?” – of course, I did my reconnaissance work already- he’s single (and straight!). Why can’t I just go to lunch with him?! This crush could end up being nothing – he could end up in the friend category…or he could be totally lame outside of our previous interactions. Why can’t I just be an ADULT? Because I’m fat. I know, it’s such a fucking cop-out. But, it’s my reality. Why would someone like CuteGuy (who is fit and healthy for the record) want to date someone like me – work in progress that I am?? Sigh.
I think part of problem for years has been that negative self-talk. I don’t love myself as is, so how can I possibly expect someone else to?! Do I love *who* I am? Yes. Do I love my body from the neck down? Nope.
So, I’m torn on my CuteGuy situation. It’s not fear of rejection holding me back – like I said we don’t work together directly. If he doesn’t like me, I never have to see him again. So, what’s my hold-up? It’s so stupid…in my head I think “Maybe he doesn’t like me now….but what about in 50 pounds? 100 pounds? Could he like me then??”. I know, I know – you’re shaking your head right? I am too. I’m so hung-up on how he MIGHT react to my weight that I’m not giving him a chance to react. It’s frustrating. Not to mention the rational part of my brain that quips up with “Shouldn’t he love you as is? Can’t you have a Carnie Wilson love story?!”. Carnie Wilson met her husband when she was 300 pounds and an inch shorter than me. He has said during their entire marriage that he loves her no matter what size she is. I want that. Dammit, I dream about that!
GAH! So, for now I’m not doing anything….but I am silently telling the Universe “if this is meant to be, let it all somehow work out, k?”.
We’ll see what happens! Am I being a chicken? Should I just ask him out on a freaking lunch date? Chime in, I love hearing other people’s opinions on my internal dilemmas! 🙂
P.S.- If you are one of my co-workers from unnamed company don’t you dare post a comment guessing who it is! I’m not telling! :-X