In addition to getting my eating under control and getting more active, I’ve also been trying to center and balance myself lately. I like the idea of being “in tune” if you will. While digging through my bookcase trying to weed out things I could donate; I came across old journals. Oh man. I sat down and read them cover to cover. I laughed, I cried, I shook my head…it’s wonderful to see how you’ve grown up from 18 to 22 to 25 to now. Somehow things that seemed SO IMPORTANT have fallen by the wayside. In fact, I wrote one whole entry about how “amazing” a new friend was. Eight years later, I cannot place her face for the life of me!
Reflecting on where you’ve been helps you get perspective on where you want to go. At the same time, you can’t linger too long in your memories..it holds you back.
My career goals/life goals/priorities are very different at 28 then they were at 25 and certainly much different then at age 18. That being said, I have decided that I need to live life with *no regrets*. Easier said than done perhaps…
I spend a good amount of time wishing I could go back – to before I started steadily gaining weight (age 10), or when I started Weight Watchers for the first time (age 23 – weighing 330 back then – I got down to 285 before giving up. I found my first WW card and saw all the smiley stickers, it made me sad). While cleaning I also found my workout sheet from my personal trainer. I saw him back in January-April of 2009. I was down to about 345 and could leg press 105 pounds. Dammit! If only I had kept going, imagine how hot and buff I could be!? El sigho.
“But it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then….”
(Alice in Wonderland)
It’s true, I was a different person in all those instances. I wasn’t ever doing this for *me*- always to impress someone, to make someone love me, to fit in…
Going forward I need to own my choices, my mistakes and most of all own my victories. Small ones, big ones who cares?! Own the things that make me unique, celebrate where I am and what I have – and don’t regret anything.
I have an aunt who is near and dear to my heart. She always tells me “You might not pass this way again.”
It’s true on road trips and it’s true in life. I only get this one life, so I better freaking make the most of it! 🙂 So, you will never again hear me say ‘I wish I had done X, Y, Z”…no no, I’m only looking forward and making the most of each day – not looking backwards and trying to rewrite my past.
There’s this Canadian soap opera/ sitcom I became obsessed with last winter – “Being Erica”. The main character is a girl with a million and one regrets – who meets a crazy psychologist who sends her back to “redo” one of her regrets. Funny thing is, sometimes situations play out WORSE if she “fixes them” and sometimes things end up exactly the same. I guess it just goes to show, you can’t change your past. Let’s say I did rewind to when I was 23 and in WW (for the wrong reasons…namely a stupid boy). I get down to my then goal weight (125) and then what? Oh, he leaves me for someone even thinner. I end up depressed and alone (because at that time I had alienated everyone I loved)….eat myself into oblivion and gain all the weight back plus some. (Do I have an active imagination or what?!). Point being, I need to subscribe to the mentality of “what’s done is done”.
“We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand… and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.” ~ Marie Beyon Ray