I did a boatload of cleaning last weekend, and came across a tupperware container of things I’ve saved to show my kids. Dorky, I know – but I love the idea of passing along things that meant the world to me at age 12/14/whatever to my children to show them who their mom used to be. In the box was every journal I’ve ever had – whew! That’s a LOTTA journals. I thumbed through one, and came across an entry that was touching.I decided to share it, since it relates so much to where I am nearly six years later. Oh and when I write in journals I tend to talk to myself – it that makes sense. I like conversational writing. Anyways, here we go:
March 5th 2005
I’ve been listening to old songs lately, and I feel like one strikes a chord inside me. “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum. I remember the video – the singer has dread locks (I hate dreads, yuck) and it was the saddest video! Missing or abducted children. How could I relate? Well, it’s not the video – it’s the lyrics.
It seems no one can help me now
I’m in too deep
There’s no way out
This time I have really led myself astray….
Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I’m neither here no there
I feel that way with food. I have no control. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers w/ Shar and I want it to work, I really do…..but I don’t think it can. Somehow it’s like food owns me. I have no will-power! I see something, I want it, I eat it. It’s almost unconscious! maybe I wasn’t meant to be thin? Maybe I’m just one of those people who can’t succeed at weight-loss? I mean honestly…..how many people DREAM about food?! I do. It’s pathetic! I hate that I can’t let this go. Sometimes I wonder if I’m masking something else. Stupid boy* (name changed to protect the guilty) thinks I have some kind of emotional baggage I’m covering with food. But, what does he know?! He’s 5’10 and weighs 145! I can’t figure it out. WHY do I like to eat so much?!?!?! Why can’t I be NORMAL?!?! Ack. I’m a runaway train with food. El Sigho. I wonder if I’ll look back at this someday and say “You conquered it when you were 26! Yay!
Six years later, and I am still pondering some of the same questions. I don’t know why I eat. I’ve never been abused/neglected/mistreated. I didn’t grow up without someone to love me or educate me…it’s baffling.Oh, and at 26 I had no more answers that I did at 23! Funny, you think as you get older the world will suddenly because more clear….but it doesn’t always. I have grown and changed and evolved as a person so much….and yet, I still have this crazy relationship with food.
I just finished reading “Confessions of a Carb Queen” by Susan Blech and I found myself completely unable to relate to her for 90% of the book. The author was raised by a single-dad who couldn’t show affection (her mom has a severe stroke when she was young) and she was literally addicted to food; more-so than any other depiction of obesity that I’ve ever read. She was not only morbidly obese and addicted to fast food (which you all know I cannot relate to. Give me creme brulee over happy meals ANY day!) – but she could literally eat a disgusting amount of food. I found the book hard to stomach (no pun intended) on more than one occasion. She also self-medicated with sex and online “hook-ups”- which I think stems from more than just a food addiction and low self-esteem. I won’t give away the ending, but I will say it was not the best book I ever read and I’d give it 2 stars.I wanted to love it, but I found myself screaming: “We’re not all like this!!!!!!!!!” (fat people = we) more times than I care to recount.
One thing I did take away was that you have to examine what you ate just as much as why you ate in order to truly conquer this. Blech craved salt, I crave sweet. I can be SO GOOD….until dessert is mentioned, then I’m off my rocker and on a sweet binge. So, that is something I need to examine for sure. Oh and I liked her recipe for salsa – I love salsa! Haha.
Has anyone else read it? Did you like it? Why or why not?
P.S. – since I can’t stop singing “Runaway Train” I thought I’d share the video. Enjoy!