I mentioned last week that it was a tough emotional weekend, and last night I had a true breakthrough. I had been whining all weekend about how I needed to exercise but then not doing it. I had 500 excuses why I couldn’t. (Wah, wah, wah, I know…). Finally, my brother said “Sam, get your shoes and your water- we’re going to work out. NOW.”
FINE. Fine fine fine.
We get to the gym and I was still in my funk. I don’t want to hold myself back from being the person I know I’m capable of being…but I just wasn’t not sure how to get there. I always considered myself a happy, bubbly person but the last few week I was doubting my ability – doubting if I could ever change. I’m in my head too much, and it’s causing me to want to shut down.
Sidenote: It snowed yesterday morning and they canceled Fat Club. I think I might have felt better if I could have weighed in, but such is life. I’ll weigh in next week and it will be a HUGE number to account for the missed weigh-in!
So, he’s doing his workout – I’m doing some of mine. But, I’m half-assing it. I could have bumped up my weights on the biceps, I could have done more reps on the row. But, I didn’t. I just wasn’t giving it 100%.
I started pedaling on the recumbent (my old enemy) and usually I want to get off after 2 mins. I give up because it’s hard. It’s working my legs in a way I’m not used to…and it hurts! When something hurts, I usually let myself give in and stop doing it.
While pedaling I realized that was a metaphor for my life. It gets too hard to diet? I give up. It gets too hard to exercise? I give up. I never push myself hard enough! While pedaling I was sweating and whining and sweating. Gah! This is SO HARD. I HATE the bike! Boom – I cry. Now, I’m an emotional person in general…but this was a different kind of crying. It was a release. I let myself get out the pent-up frustration. I accepted that this isn’t always going to be easy – but it will be worth it in the end.
By the time we finished I was pedaling at an average of 90 RPMS! 90! Who is this girl?!?! When I used to see my trainer I was always at 60/65 – NEVER higher. This was a victory. I was covered in sweat!
I feel like I mentally broke down the barriers I had in place to safeguard myself from getting hurt. I karate-chopped them right down so I can walk over the rubble and move on.
I was this little penguin:
I went to bed feeling 100% better and today I woke up with a renewed sense of purpose. The road isn’t going to be lined with sparkles, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy the journey and the sweat I put in to reach my goal.
I might not ever LOVE cardio, but if I can attain the high I felt after getting out of the gym yesterday more often, I think it will benefit me mentally. 🙂
Kudos to my bro for kicking my butt into going. I would have been sulking on the couch otherwise!
Oh and my next fitness challenge? I’m buying boxing gloves! Once I have them I plan on hitting the heck out of the heavy bag at the gym. Sounds like a good release of pent up tension! I want these ones specifically because I love hot pink:
Do you guys use exercise to get our your aggression? Have you felt like the connection between what you’re feeling and what you’re expending is almost tangible? Share it with me!