When you set out to lose 200+ pounds, no one tells you how hard the emotional battle will be. You hear about calories and workouts and motivation….but no one talks about the downright shitty side to shedding weight – dealing with the emotions that led you to 425 pounds in the first place.
In the past few weeks I’ve been “in my head” a lot more than usual. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night flooded with terrible fat memories I’ve suppressed (embarrassing moments – awful things people said to me) and next thing I know, I’m in tears. I’ll go through cycles during the day where I think I can’t succeed – I’ll never TRULY accomplish my goals of being healthier and thinner. I’ll berate myself in my head in the mirror at barre – or at the gym. I will just generally beat myself up about where I am at this moment – and how far I still have to go.
Breakdown! Like woah.
Finally two nights ago I had a moment where everything seemed crystal clear. This journey happened in this order for a reason. All my past attempts at weight-loss were not for naught….they just weren’t the right path. Today I eat real, healthy, natural food. I make good choices. I don’t have dessert every night. I don’t eat processed crap. I trust my number. I move my ass. I work to make my muscles sore and it feels amazing. I am stronger than my failures. I am more than the sum of my mistakes. I am awesome. I CAN do this!
Break open! Honestly, it feels good to get past the point of “OMFG what am I doing?!” and into acceptance. I am where I am for a reason, and it’s my job to continue working hard.
I feel like losing weight is a lot like moving your house. You’re forced to finally clean out those closets you’ve been stuffing for years….and come to terms with the clutter, baggage and “things you left behind” in pursuit of happiness (or something shiny as the case may be). As I lose weight and transform into this new person I have to confront the stuff I’ve been hiding for so long. I have to face why I was a closet binger. I have to face why I would lie to myself (and everyone in my life) about my weight. I have to confront the things that are icky and unpretty. I have to clean the cobwebs out of my life and prepare for the next leg of the journey. I think it’s just going to get harder – think about it….soon I’ll be able to jog. Once I can jog I’ll lean down my body even faster. Once I’m even smaller I’ll be able to shop at stores regular people shop at. Oh and ya know what? I’ll be able to put myself out into the big, scary dating market and find my potential future husband.
That all sounds really uncomfortable and overwhelming. I’ve said it before and I’ll stay it again….it’s easier to stay fat. It’s easier to hole up in my cocoon and never see the world for all it has to offer. Call me crazy – but there is security in fatness. Staying fat is the safe option.
Break-through! As Bob Harper once said – you’re going to have to get uncomfortable if you want to move forward.
Yes, it’s true – my breakthrough came with cute quotes and songs. What can I say, I’m a sucker for Hallmark moments!In all seriousness – I realized that while those new challenges and adventures scare the bejesus out of me….it’s good to be scared. Fear can be liberating. Fear can help propel you forward. My friend Tyler once told me all the best moments lie in the minute right before you jump in the deep end. It’s true. You’re scared to death….but then you float to the top and it wasn’t as bad as you expected!
Here’s to hoping this emotional roller coaster I’ve been on for the last few weeks fuels the next leg of my journey.
Also , kudos to Kris Carr for the process: breakdown —> break open —> BREAK-THROUGH!