Sparkly & Slimming….a Weight Loss Blog

Samantha's journey to slim down, while remaining sparkly!

Breakdown; Break Open; Break-through!

on May 17, 2012

When you set out to lose 200+ pounds, no one tells you how hard the emotional battle will be. You hear about calories and workouts and motivation….but no one talks about the downright shitty side to shedding weight – dealing with the emotions that led you to 425 pounds in the first place.

In the past few weeks I’ve been “in my head” a lot more than usual. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night flooded with terrible fat memories I’ve suppressed (embarrassing moments – awful things people said to me) and next thing I know, I’m in tears. I’ll go through cycles during the day where I think I can’t succeed – I’ll never TRULY accomplish my goals of being healthier and thinner. I’ll berate myself in my head in the mirror at barre – or at the gym. I will just generally beat myself up about where I am at this moment – and how far I still have to go.

Breakdown! Like woah.

Finally two nights ago I had a moment where everything seemed crystal clear. This journey happened in this order for a reason. All my past attempts at weight-loss were not for naught….they just weren’t the right path. Today I eat real, healthy, natural food. I make good choices. I don’t have dessert every night. I don’t eat processed crap. I trust my number. I move my ass. I work to make my muscles sore and it feels amazing. I am stronger than my failures. I am more than the sum of my mistakes. I am awesome. I CAN do this!

Break open! Honestly, it feels good to get past the point of  “OMFG what am I doing?!” and into acceptance. I am where I am for a reason, and it’s my job to continue working hard.

I feel like losing weight is a lot like moving your house. You’re forced to finally clean out those closets you’ve been stuffing for years….and come to terms with the clutter, baggage and “things you left behind” in pursuit of happiness (or something shiny as the case may be). As I lose weight and transform into this new person I have to confront the stuff I’ve been hiding for so long. I have to face why I was a closet binger. I have to face why I would lie to myself (and everyone in my life) about my weight. I have to confront the things that are icky and unpretty. I have to clean the cobwebs out of my life and prepare for the next leg of the journey. I think it’s just going to get harder – think about it….soon I’ll be able to jog. Once I can jog I’ll lean down my body even faster. Once I’m even smaller I’ll be able to shop at stores regular people shop at. Oh and ya know what? I’ll be able to put myself out into the big, scary dating market and find my potential future husband.


That all sounds really uncomfortable and overwhelming. I’ve said it before and I’ll stay it again….it’s easier to stay fat. It’s easier to hole up in my cocoon and never see the world for all it has to offer. Call me crazy – but there is security in fatness. Staying fat is the safe option.

Break-through! As Bob Harper once said – you’re going to have to get uncomfortable if you want to move forward. 

Yes, it’s true – my breakthrough came with cute quotes and songs. What can I say, I’m a sucker for Hallmark moments!In all seriousness – I realized that while those new challenges and adventures scare the bejesus out of me….it’s good to be scared. Fear can be liberating. Fear can help propel you forward. My friend Tyler once told me all the best moments lie in the minute right before you jump in the deep end. It’s true. You’re scared to death….but then you float to the top and it wasn’t as bad as you expected!

Here’s to hoping this emotional roller coaster I’ve been on for the last few weeks fuels the next leg of my journey.

Also , kudos to Kris Carr for the process: breakdown —> break open —> BREAK-THROUGH!




12 responses to “Breakdown; Break Open; Break-through!

  1. Yay samantha! you rock!

  2. You should be so proud of yourself. You Lost 13 inches in 1 month! Think about how quick time goes by, but we all need to take it 1 day at a time to get where we need to be. Every day eating right and exercising gets you closer to your goal. Sometimes we all need to see the darker side of things to appreciate life more. Work on you and dont think about what other roads life will take you down, that will come when its ready. You are so sweet and encouraging and that’s what I see in you. I know we are all our own worst enemies and quite frankly people suck. They are mean and rude. Turn those mean moments into motivation. Get down to your goal weight and then say HA! Rather than succumbing to the closet. Bust out of it and make it happen. You obviously know you can do it. I know it sounds cliche. but one day at a time. One barre class, One day of getting your steps, # and water in. 6 months from now and a fitter Samantha will look back and say WOW THAT WAS FAST. I know you can do it!

  3. Amen to all of this. There is so much more to a WLJ than workouts and food diaries. There is definitely an emotional shift too. An ongoing one, it seems.

  4. D.James says:

    Good post sis all very true… Its so easy to be fat and its so secure…We push each other towards the promised land though…The view from the top will be worth it..

  5. Louisa says:

    I think the trick is NOT to surround yourself with people who think so little of themselves that they have to pick on you to make themselves feel better………… But with people who make you feel as wonderful and you are……………….

  6. jobo says:

    Oh I love this…because I totally agree in the being uncomfortable part. Unseat that comfort zone, STAY uncomfortable. Rail against that uncomfortable feeling, because that is when change occurs. Change is scary, but change is progress, and each day, you are living it and proving it. You have already grown so much, I know I say it all the time, but your focus and determination is honestly second to none.

  7. I really liked this. Made me do some reflection of my own, likely to show up in a blog soon. You are so right that it is so easy to stay fat… fat and happy. Regardless of how much you want to lose weight, there is happiness in the status quo. Living life, changing, evolving and taking new steps into the unknown, that’s the scary part, but that’s where success and true happiness lies. So glad to hear your moments. Thanks for sharing!

  8. Jess Sutera says:

    yes, yes, YES. Living on the edge of discomfort is the ONLY way to discover just who you really are on the inside. Pushing those boundaries, those pre-defined limits that either we set for ourselves or someone else does, is probably the most freeing (and effing scary) thing you’ll ever do. Do it for YOU. Always. I am so so so proud of you for facing all of those big scary cobwebs up in your head — you are evolving by leaps and bounds!! xoxo

  9. Me says:

    You inspire me. I too have a lot of weight to lose and a long, difficult journey ahead. I’m no longer using the words “I started….two weeks ago, or last week or next Monday or whatever have you, because I tell myself if there’s a start to something, then in that very complicated brain of mine, I think that there is an end to it as well. I can no longer do that to myself because realistically there will be no end to this journey. I will have to work at it my whole life. It’s not like there’s going to be a finish line with a 200 pound weight loss mark. It’s for good and I’m in or out. Enough bullshit. Enough excuses for myself. You are right there is a strange comfort in being fat and cacooning ourselves. This got me thinking why is that? That is because everything else out there in the world is uncomfortable – the stares, the comments, not knowing whether I fit in a chair at an event, the choice of clothes we have, sitting out of everything and the whole package we carry along with the weight. Everything. Every-little-thing-in -life affected by being fat. The mental burden we go through over somethings that should have no thought put to them, The preplanning of things to accommodate my fatness, the excuses. No more. No more!! Cacooning ourselves only because the rest of the world does not – and that becomes our safe comfortable place- but dangerous, very very dangerous. Like the cookies that make us feel better about our problems. Venomous cycle. I am not an expert at myself, I’m learning bits and pieces of myself everyday and trying to make better choices because this is for good. No finish line, so therefore no start line. Just better choices I can live with on a daily basis. So thank you for having the guts to share your journey with me, with others and please know that on those days when the euphoria of the weight loss just isn’t there, you have not only made a difference in your life but in mine as well. Uncomfortable is scary but it is an invigorating kind of scary. There’s a butterfly in all of us if we just come out of our comfortable little caccoons.

    • This comment made me cry. Thank you so much for reaching out – it’s nice to know I’m not alone! As hard and scary as change is…it’s worth it in the long-run (I hope! LOL). I’d love to hear about your progress – please keep me posted!


    • This comment is very inspirational and I thank you for being so open. When I lost my weight I began to realize how many things I used to think about, the excuses I used to make, etc., that most people don’t put a lot of thought in (i.e., where to sit at a gathering so I can later move without the fat being in the way). I never realized certain things until after I lost weight, as it was likely to depressing for me to cope. It is always a good reminder to keep my head up, keep going and as you said, just make better choices. Thank you!

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