Sparkly & Slimming….a Weight Loss Blog

Samantha's journey to slim down, while remaining sparkly!

Fat Memories


Editor’s Note: I’ve been sitting on this post for about 2 months. It’s sad for me to admit, so it was harder to post than I thought it would be. Please be kind with your comments.

 

You know how you can replay a memory in your head and remember what you wore or exactly what the other person said? Well I can literally look back at all my memories and tell you what I was eating. It’s kinda scary actually! I was joking with my brother and my mom that all my memories from childhood are tied to food (trips to Canobie Lake with ham and cheese calzones for lunch and hotdogs/french fries with malt vinegar for dinner), day trips to NH and stopping for lunch at this place called Neil’s (OMG the best peanut butter pie ever, sometimes I dream about it). I remember all my birthday cakes (or graduation cakes ~ like the “Snow Queen” cake from Rosie’s Bakery in Somerville I had when I graduated college in 2003. Golden butter cake layered with raspberry preserves and vanilla butter cream and frosted on the outside with vanilla butter cream Mmmmmm!).  I remember all the special meals I’ve shared with friends and I can literally tell you exactly what I ate and where before I can tell you how I felt, what was going on in my life etc.

You know where you were when JFK got shot? I know exactly what I was eating on my 29th birthday ~ right down to the chocolate layer cake with ganache.

Is that creepy?  (Don’t feel bad if you’re shaking your head yes.). 🙂

Looking back I think around age 8 or 9  I turned to food to soothe my unhappiness about being chubby….which in turn made me chubbier. It was a vicious cycle. I can’t say “oh food was only friend”. No, I always had friends. I was always “happy” but I feel like in hindsight something was always missing and I filled that void with food. I still don’t know what that was. I can’t tell you why I chose to overeat, why I chose food over activities or food over friendship – but I did and it really makes me sad to not only recognize but to admit out loud.

I guess if I was perfectly honest with myself….I was (am?) a food addict. I blogged about the topic once before and I thought I would have some clarity by now. But I don’t. I’m still puzzled.

I joke that I am a fat kid at heart, but I think it’s more than that.

I liked food. I loved food (sometimes I still do). I turned to it in order to mask the emotions I was feeling. I used food as my drug to subdue the negativity of being a teenager in limbo like all teenagers are (or a twenty-something still unclear about her path in life).  Oh wow, there we go … that’s progress. Some people mask their emotions with sarcasm (I do that too – but not as much as I used to), drinking (negative. Enjoy a cocktail with dinner, never had a drinking problem and never drank to mask emotions) or drugs (big no)….but I did it with food. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was angry….(you get the idea).

Food was a universal constant in my life.

That universal constant is now embedded in my memories. Like when you hear a song and suddenly you’re flooded with a rush of emotions and images of somebody that you used to know (or love). You are literally stopped dead in your tracks, reliving a time that has long since passed in a way so tangible you can almost feel it.

That’s how I feel about food.

I drove by a carnival in LA last week. The sights, sounds and smells hit me at once and I was struck my the memory of being 14 eating funnel cake/cotton candy until I could barely walk – with my best friend whom I swore I’d never lose touch with. Now she isn’t even a blip on my radar but I still have the fat memories to relive.

Sometimes I wonder if these memories will be with me forever, like stretch marks. Will I always associate food with events? Will I always remember what I ate before I remember details of the evening I shared with people I love? Will food always be my #1 even when I reach my goal weight? Can I somehow overcome this weird bond?

I honestly don’t know.

Even today, with healthier choices and only the occasional splurge I can reflect on everything I ate  before I can tell you about the conversations had. I don’t like this about myself ~ but I’m also not sure how to change it. How do you re-associate memories? Can you?

 

 

Advertisements
12 Comments »

“Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin (might) Feel”


My New Year is off to a good start with working out – but I’m afraid I’m struggling with my nutrition.

I know what I need to eat, I know what will make me stronger and healthier and fuel my body to lose weight….but of course that is not what I crave. Who craves healthy food?! (If you’re shaking your head saying “I do” please don’t tell me, k?).

I have spent all week convincing myself to choose Greek yogurt and fresh fruit over crap or to savor my steak and roasted brussels sprouts when I *really* want quesadillas and a margarita. Ack.

Do saying things like “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!” and “A minute on the lips is a lifetime on the hips” really work for anyone? So far I’m not convinced.

As previously mentioned, I have never been thin. How do I know that “thin” tastes better than crème brulée??

Tonight I had a chance to go out with friends for dinner, but I had to turn them down. As much as I love being social….I feel like I’m on a see-saw right now. If I go out I’ll hit rock bottom and wind up drinking and having dessert on top of a meal I shouldn’t be eating to begin with. Sigh. Must.Stay.Focused!

So, rather than binge eat…I’m going to post pictures of all the things I wish I was eating – and what I’m eating instead. Maybe I can reflect on my healthy choices and feel better? Maybe if you’re on a diet you’ll see this and want to stab me. I apologize. Don’t look!

What I WISH I was eating:

Hot chocolate with whipped cream!

What I am ACTUALLY eating:

Starbucks Iced Mocha (non-fat, no whip)

 

What I WISH I was eating:


Buffalo Bleu Krinkle Cut Chips

 

What I am ACTUALLY eating:


Roasted Brussel Sprouts

 

What I WISH I was eating:

 

Ice Cream Sundaes (so delicious they have RAINBOW backgrounds!)

What I am ACTUALLY eating:


Edy's All Fruit Bars in Pineapple (delicious! but not a sundae....)

 

What I WISH I was eating:

 

Belgium waffles with strawberries and chocolate sauce....mmmmm

What I am ACTUALLY eating:

Chobani Pomegranate Greek Yogurt (my fav. flavor!)


Hmmmmm…..I don’t think that made me want those things any LESS – but it did make me feel better to know I’m resisting temptation.

Sometimes I wish I had the “montage” button for my life. You could fast-forward through the days/weeks/months of being good, viewing them like a montage in a movie and see the end result of your hard-work!

Alas, such button has not been invented.

How do you guys deal with cravings? I’m not sure I can trust myself to have a “little” of something right now – I might fall off the bandwagon and just eat it all.

 


11 Comments »

%d bloggers like this: